I am a feminist. I don't think women are better than men. I don't think we are the same as men. I think we should honor and respect each others needs as equally important.
Anyway... on the subject of sleep.
This is very touchy for me. When I don't get good sleep, I am a HORRIBLE person to live with. I turn into a raging bitch with a red hot poker in my hand. I will snap and burn you without a moment's notice. I will get upset about the smallest, most trivial things. I get MAD. It takes A LOT for me to get that mad. Months and months of attempts to figure something out before that happens...
I know these things about me. So when I was pregnant with each child, I started talking about how to negotiate getting enough sleep. Apparently this is not something negotiable with the men I chose to have children with.
My first son was colicky- he would cry for sometimes 5 hours IN A ROW during the day and sometimes the only way to content him was to wear him with my moby or mei-tai wraps and walk around and around and around until he would go to sleep. At night he only slept for 1.5 to 2 hours at a time most of the time until he was around 6 months- then I was lucky when he slept for 5 hours, but mostly he woke every 2-3 hours. My ex-husband wouldn't negotiate how I was going to get some sleep. Every time I asked him to help me he would talk about how he had to sleep to work the next day or he would just ignore me (pretending to sleep). When I asked him to take the baby so I could take a nap on the weekends, he would get irritable and start mentioning all the things he planned to do (edit his book, work on some music, read...) He never TOLD me it was my job to always take care of the baby, but that is how it appeared. He refused to discuss or negotiate how I would get sleep. I would break down crying on a regular basis which prompted him to tell me how weak I was. He blew me off. He acted like it wasn't his problem. I had no one else to help me out. I asked my mom- she told me that no one helped her when we were kids (which I guess means that she wants me to be angry and abusive like they were to me). There was a point when Denali was about 6 months old when I literally collapsed from exhaustion. I told my ex that it was going to happen because I could hardly walk and one day I just fell like a puddle of jello on the floor and I couldn't get up. I happened to be near the bed so he picked me up and put me on the bed with my legs hanging off the side and just left me like that. Then he took Denali into the office across the hall and went back to his writing or music and ignored him. I had to lay there half asleep for about 45 minutes before I could even get my legs up on the bed.
It came off as sexist. I felt like he thought that as the woman, it was my job to do all the baby care while he did what he wanted. He felt like he should be able to do what he wanted on the weekends. I told him that he needed to help on the weekends. I wanted to negotiate certain times when I would get to sleep on the weekends and negotiate other times when I would be able to have a little me time to do what I would like. I felt it was only fair for us each to have some free time each weekend. I even took Denali to church a few times a month to give him time alone at the house thinking he would return the favor in some way. Nope. The furthest I got with this was he agreed to give me a few hours one day a week and I had to choose whether I used it for sleep or as free time. So I had to sleep. Then when Denali was 11 months old and we separated, he didn't do anything anymore... he had a new girlfriend that he couldn't stay away from. I had no number to reach him and when he got a cellphone it didn't matter... I got so tired that one night I was afraid I would hurt the baby out of tired frustration and after calling my ex and my mother for help (each of them telling me to call the other for help), I had to call crisis (there was no way I was going to hurt my child!). I think I called crisis at least once a month for 6 months after that as I had to deal with all the emotional issues of going through a separation and divorce with the lack of sleep on top of it- at that point the lack of sleep had more to do with my own insomnia.
I started getting a little sleep when I got involved in a play about a month after the separation because my ex's mom started taking Denali overnight once in awhile on the weekends of performances. It was the first break I really had... that play literally saved my life... I was barely hanging by a thread at that point and I still don't even know how I was able to perform. I felt like a zombie.
Fast forward to the present... new situation, new baby, different father. Somehow I ended up with a milder version of the same issues. This guy who had helped me get extra sleep with my older son (I guess as trade off for going out and having fun?) seems unwilling to believe that I need sleep. Cade had tummy troubles, but was not colicky, so I am no where near as sleep deprived as last time, but I wanted to avoid major sleep deprivation. I told Tyson what happened to me (turning into a raging bitch) last time. I wanted to avoid that. I had the added issue of flashback insomnia and night terrors this time- still recovering from being attacked... (which thankfully has gone now) So I sat him down and talked to him. I wanted to come up with a plan of when he would take the baby so I could sleep. Apparently, yet again, this is not something to negotiate... he would just sit there and not say anything. So I would make suggestions. He wanted to think about it. I told him to get back to me when he figured it out... he never got back to me. I would ask again. He told me he hadn't thought about it yet. I gave him a little more time. A week or two would go by, rinse and repeat. No answers. I snap at that point into a raging ball of fire after which time he tells me that is the reason he won't talk to me- because I get so angry. See how that goes. I try discussing something... he stonewalls me.... about a month later nothing is talked about so I snap. Then he blames my snapping on him for not talking to me. I had another collapse of emotional and physical exhaustion, though not as severe. Fortunately this time I have more of an emotional support network and I have been seeing the same therapist for 2 years now.
but yet again the whole thing comes off as sexist. He doesn't mean to be sexist, he says. Then when I open the negotiations again... NOTHING. This is the main reason I have to leave. I can't be with someone who is going to shut me out whenever there is a problem. The message I get is that I am a woman and if I am going to be with him, I have to go along with his expectations. I tried to find out what his expectations are- he can't even tell me what he is expecting. ok... nothing I can do with that. And I have needed sleep. I had to basically just demand him to take the baby at night once in awhile so I can sleep. Then I pick a night and just tell him that he is in charge that night. I can't stand being demanding like that, I feel bossy and there are always passive-aggressive repercussions. He told me once that he wants someone to just tell him what to do. I can't do that. I like things to be discussed and negotiated. I don't like one person to dominate the other in my relationships- I like balance.
So I have gotten little sleep the past year and a half again... and I have children with 2 men who think I am weak and a crazy bitch. Of course I have been a crazy bitch. Then I tell them they would go crazy too with this much sleep deprivation... oh no, they say, but then the second time the baby wakes up on the first night they are left in charge- they start getting frustrated... and guess who is irritable and grumpy after one night of having to get up with a baby. Yep. What about helping more with the cleaning?... here I really thought he would be helpful. He used to be helpful when asked... nope. Now that I am home with the baby- its all up to me, sleep-deprivation, chronic pain, postpartum depression and all. No sympathy. No shoulder to cry on. No validation for how I am feeling. I know why many moms end up as alcoholic drug addicts. I don't want to be an alcoholic drug-addict... I would rather be a "bitch" to the person who doesn't give a shit about how I feel and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
by the way, in case you didn't know, "bitch" is what a lot of people call feminists. I can't believe the number of women who say "that is just how men are and you just have to deal with it". No men are like that because so many women think that way. Its not acceptable to me. Men are not children or idiots. They act like that because they get away with it. Not in my house. Go off and be a child elsewhere. I am trying to raise two wonderful men here already. My hands are full and they need a good example.
By the way... these guys were told in the beginning who I am and my expectations. They should have bolted. You can't tame me. You might fool me for awhile with your charms, but charms can only mask reality for so long. Someday I will meet a man who is willing to TALK to me and not be afraid of the snarls and tangles of negotiation. Someone who is not afraid of an argument ending everything. Someone who realizes that arguing is essential to building intimacy.
Someday I will not be too afraid of that kind of happiness...
whew... I feel better now... glad I got that out.
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