the almost heart to heart talk (something missing)

I think that may have almost been a heart to heart talk. We delved into some deep territory. We covered some of our issues. We spoke without blame or judgment. It was a good conversation. These bases have been covered before, but new leaves were overturned on the paths between them. It was nice. It was refreshing.

Something was missing though. Something important. Something that would have made me feel even more comfort and peace in this moment. If it wasn't big, I wouldn't dwell on it; but it is big.

Now you may want to know what was missing. I'm not completely sure. I know it wasn't just one little thing. There was little eye contact... wait... perhaps there wasn't really any at all. There was no physical contact. There was no real end to the conversation other than that bow out to go to sleep. There was still so much that could have been said. So many places we could have gone...

Now I think he has fallen asleep in my bed... after I just told him I didn't want him sleeping there. I could draw the conclusion that is why he kept going with the conversation after he already said he was going to bed. I guess he made the assumption that since we talked into it a little deeper I must have changed my mind... I didn't. Not really. I'm going to let him stay there for now only because I am typing this. I may go in there to wake him only to find that he was waiting for me to ask him to move. I hate that I have to make assumptions about these things. I wish there were more direct communication. I am tired of playing guessing games. This would have been more my style:

"Ok I'm really going to bed now, where should I sleep? Was this conversation enough to win me the spot next to you in those comfy flannel sheets?"
"Um... no. Not quite. I need sincerity and not a plea disguised as emotionally connecting conversation to make that a possibility tonight. If I was super horny I might have given in... as you know, but I am keeping my backbone on this occasion."

A conversation like that would get me so hot... so 5 minutes later I would be like...

"Ok let's fuck, but you still can't sleep in my bed because you tried to pull some bullshit. Oh, and add a 5 minute foreplay back rub as penalty for running those circles around my head."

I feel like I got off tangent here... ok kind of, but its relevant (and amusing) so I'm leaving it in.

This whole relationship has a lot missing. There is too much missing for me to be peaceful and find joy. I enjoy his company. We have a ton in common. We even communicate well as long as its not about the issues we have trying to have an actual serious romantic relationship.

We don't make the best roommates which is a major issue. I think we would get along much better if we didn't live together. I think he would end up staying here most nights anyway and I would be happier because his stuff wouldn't be cluttered up everywhere; I wouldn't have to communicate with him as much about money; and we would have our own spaces for alone time. Plus, he would have more freedom. I don't understand why he is against that at all. He doesn't want to be away from his son, but if we get along better, he might actually get to spend more time with him.

Right now I feel smothered. I have felt that way a lot in this relationship. I can't stand feeling smothered. I need space. I need freedom. I need to miss someone to appreciate them. I get bored and sick of people easily. I like to bounce around between people and places so I don't get bored. Being smothered kills my spirit. When my spirit starts to die... my bad side comes out.

I want to nurture my spirit. I am in a place right now where I feel it is necessary.

That is what is missing...
that connection where he gets me, connects to my spirit, sees me having a hard time and aligns with me to work through the rough time. I know a connection like that is possible. I also know there is a chance I may never have a connection like that... again... wait, have I?

So do I keep trying to make peace with the strings that pull me off in another direction trying to find a connection that may only be real in my imagination, or do I make peace with what I have here knowing I may be giving up something more meaningful and intimately connected than this.

It is a conundrum. I have even talked to him about it. He is having the same conundrum. I think since we are both real about this problem, there shouldn't be any issue figuring out how to stick together and be open... oh but there are issues aplenty with that. I am his possession after all. He must keep vigilant watch to make sure it stays that way so no one "steals" me away. The funny thing is- the best way to not let anyone steal my heart away is  if they don't hold such a tight grip on it in the first place.